Weird Survival Tools

What exactly do I mean when I say weird survival tools? That’s actually a good question that I had to ponder for a bit. The best explanation I can give for weird survival tools is “Items and/or ideas that are not normally associated with being a survival tool.” Another way to put it is “I wish I had thought of that.

My intent in this article is to throw a bunch of neat little tricks at you that can be utilized to survive in the wilderness. All, I think, are actually an improvised replacement for a modern or designed wilderness tool which either we don’t have, exhausted the supply or broke. In any event … we need it … and don’t have it. Let’s delve into the world of weird survival tools.

Weird Survival tools issue #1

It’s a normal and necessary body function that everyone wants to avoid addressing, as if not everyone does it. Pooping, crapping, however you want to label it, is a normal daily function for nearly everyone with a normal digestive system. The process of eliminating body waste is, how do you say, no big deal. It’s automatic as you can’t hold it forever. The large issue for humans is how to clean ourselves afterwards, because failing to do so can result in severe chafing, which can be extremely uncomfortable and could nearly disable a person. So we’re on a quest for something to use instead of toilet paper which we have run out of.

  • Oak leaves are strong and will resist crumpling or tearing

  • Soft bark from a few certain trees. Most bark is too thick or rough

  • Dried corn husk work well and is nothing new to farmers

  • Leaves from other plants, but of course be careful to identify the species

  • Smooth stones

  • Sphagnum moss

  • Water is used in Asian countries and in Europe, bidets are standard in hotels

  • A hillbilly told me this and swore it worked for him. When you need to do your business, lean against a tree or something than won’t break under your weight, reach down with both hands and spread your butt cheeks apart. You will not need cleaning using this method.

The internet is full of Redneck inventions, repairs, improvised things that are actually genius. This may be another. Ever wonder why animals never have to clean afterwards?

Weird Survival tools issue #2

If anyone has ever experienced a toothache they know there are few pains that are worse. You feel like your head is going to explode, it hurts to swallow, chew, breathe. Therefore, we can agree oral hygiene is important. You may balk thinking you’re only going to be camping or lost for so long. Could be, but what if this is a SHTF situation and you have no idea if you’ll ever have access to a toothbrush again. Better to have the knowledge and not need it, than the other way around. Like mama used to say “Better safe than sorry.”

  • Dogwood stems can be used as a toothbrush or a chew stick

  • No dogwoods around; a birch twig will do the same

  • A paste of wood ash will work as a toothpaste. Use your fingers to rub the ash around to clean teeth. Rinse thoroughly afterwards as the ash could irritate the gums and you don’t want to walk around with black teeth.

  • Got that morning breath cotton? Boiled water with pine needles provides a refreshing gargle and has some inherent antiseptic properties.

  • Small twigs, thorns or shavings can be used to floss the teeth, which can be as important as brushing.

When learning survival techniques there is no dumb or usefulness technique. You never know what you may face in the wilderness and the more knowledge you possess, the better your chances of surviving until rescued.

Weird Survival tools issue #3

Men being men, we won’t let them in on this tool. Menstrual Care, again is a normal function of females and must be addressed best as possible. For that we’ll retreat to the ways of the American Indian female:

  • Moss can be used – sphagnum moss is best

  • Soft hides such as rabbit, possibly squirrel

  • Milkweed Fluff

Weird Survival tools issue #4

There is no preparation for some things that occur in the wild, or your backyard, but depending on your tolerance for smells, an attack by a skunk could ruin your day, and/or days. In fact, a direct spray of skunk juice into the eyes with leave you totally blind for up to 5 hours, and the pain, like your eyes are on fire, is excruciating. A skunk attack is a serious matter and should be treated as such. Naturally the attack was unpreventable, nobody antagonizes a skunk, so we must be prepared to deal with it.

  • The first and easiest approach is to accept the smell. Some people don’t find it that offensive and it’ll definitely mask your human smell.

  • If you’re in Africa or South America, hey people take vacations, the acid mixture created by smashed up army ants (the real big ones) and rubbed all over your skin will eliminate the smell.

  • Believe it or not, urine helps. In fact pouring urine into your eyes after a direct hit is the only way to lessen the burning pain. Don’t ask me how or why, I don’t know the answers.

  • They claim pouring or rubbing tomato juice on the sprayed area helps, but friends tell me their experiences were not so good. Worth a try though.

  • Roll in the mud until completely covered. I suppose this encases the smell which would be of great benefit to those around you.

  • If you have access to baking soda and a soap solution, doesn’t matter what type of liquid soap, mix the two and wash your entire body, will require more than once, will help dilute the smell. If you are blessed and also have hydrogen peroxide to add to the mixture, you’ve hit the jackpot. This combination is very effective at eliminating skunk odor and reasonably fast.

Weird Survival tools issue #5


It’s not uncommon to endure a dose of poison ivy if you travel very much in wilderness territory, but the itching can become maddening. You’ll scratch until you bleed which opens the skin to infections of other types, some quite deadly.

  • Rub the juice from the stems of a Jewel-Weed on the affected areas for relief.

Weird Survival tools issue #6

In the wilderness all open wounds should be addressed in order to stop further infection. A small cut on the arm may not appear to be a big deal, until it becomes infected, hot to the touch and reddening, the infection effecting the rest of the body. The need for sterilizing a needle or similar tool required for stitching may be required.

  • I suppose people equate their urine with being dirty because it is technically body waste and you can’t (shouldn’t) drink it, but urine is actually quite sterile. It’s a great substitute for washing a wound out if clean water or other medicine is not available. ** Being unsanitary is not the reason you shouldn’t drink your urine**

  • Use rock boiling to sterilize tools. If you have a container large enough and can withstand fire in order to boil water, use it, but if you don’t have a container you can still boil water without exposing your flammable container to the fire. Fill your flammable container, let’s say large banana tree leaves, with water. Place the tools into the water and let set. Then build a large hot fire, roll stones into the flames and/or hot ashes until they become very hot. Remove the stones from the fire, for instance dragging the rock out with a stick, place the hot stone in the water held in the banana leaf. The water will boil and the leaf will not be harmed.

Weird Survival tools issue #7

Self protection in the wilderness becomes of utmost importance as you are no longer on top of the food chain, in fact depending on location you may slide down to number 20 or 21. Man without a weapon is very vulnerable prey in the wild, but man has a brain to improvise. That sucker or Tootsie Pop you have in your backpack for energy has now just become a weapon. Hold the candy part in your hand with the stick pointing outward between your fingers. Punch an attacking wild dog in the head with your fist and it won’t phase it, but ram the candy stick into their eye and you’ll never be bothered again, at least not by that dog.

Weird Survival tools issue #8

I know you are not suppose to smoke as it’s bad for you, but if you do you happen to smoke, you have a valuable commodity in your possession. Cigarettes, actually tobacco, has medicinal purposes that are quite beneficial.

  • They are excellent for bartering. They were a treasured commodity in WWII

  • Should you incur a gut worm (parasites) eating tobacco, the nicotine, will kill it

  • Tobacco includes a naturally occurring antiseptic that prevents infection and relieves pain. Say you have a puncture on your arm, place wet tobacco on the wound and cover it with a bandage. If you have a toothache, put a moist wad of tobacco on the infected tooth and it’ll relieve the pain.

  • The tobacco makes excellent tinder for starting a fire.

  • Apply a chewed portion of tobacco directly to the skin where you have been stung or bitten by an insect for pain relief

  • If you have a small wound that just won’t quit bleeding, take a moist wad of tobacco and place it on the wound helping stem the blood flow.

Weird Survival tools issue #9

That box of noodles, bags of Cheetos or can of Pringles may be more important than supplying a food source. As we know food is the least of our concerns when faced with a crisis situation, but what else are they good for?

  • Cheetos & Pringles, especially ground up, become excellent tinder for starting a fire. A blazing fire for warmth, cooking, light and insect repellent is much more important that eating a bag of Cheetos which won’t satisfy your hunger anyway.

  • Noodles can be used as tinder and as a match. Ever have a candle in a jar that the wick burned down low and you can’t relight it because the flame from the match or lighter burns you? Light the end of the noodle and you now have an extra long match for reaching those hard to get places.

Weird Survival tools issue #10

Ever wonder what to do with all that bubble wrap? It’s fun to pop for a while, but that even gets tiresome. What else is it good for?

  • Bubble wrap has extreme insulation values. Wrapping yourself in a layer of bubble wrap is equivalent to having 4 cotton blankets over you.

  • In a crisis situation, extreme cold producing hypothermia, taping pieces of bubble wrap around a child could very well save its life.

  • Speaking of wraps. Saran wrap can be used for emergency treatment of an open gap chest wound. Any wound into the chest cavity will result in air escaping as the person breathes, and germs rushing in through the opening. A piece of Saran wrap plastic draped over the wound and taped in place will help until proper medical attention can be provided.

Weird Survival tools issue #11


Quick! The SHTF and the world is suddenly upside down. You are rushing home when you pass a liquor store being looted. You have 30 seconds to grab a bottle of liquor for your bug-out trip. Which one do you grab? The one you like to consume in normal times would be the common answer, but Wrong! You want Vodka. Why? Let’s see why.

  • Vodka can used for a cough suppressant

  • Vodka can be used as a base for a variety of different pasta sauces

  • Can be used to clean and defog eyeglasses

  • Can be used for fuel and fire-starter

  • Sterilizer for tweezers, knives, medical tools of various uses

  • Can be weaponized as a Molotov cocktail

  • Sore Throat gargle

  • Repels insects when rubbed on skin

  • Skin toner, tightens skin and dissolves blackheads

  • Can be used to preserve food

  • Can be used as a topical medicine for insect bites, stings, cold sores, and open wounds of all sorts. Will also dissolve the adhesion of bandages for less painful removal

Weird Survival tools issue #12

No matter the situation, our personal security is always the first priority. It doesn’t matter how much we know or how many survival gadgets we have, they’re useless if we are totally incapacitated or dead. You’re in your garage and don’t have a weapon of any type and a huge man is charging up your driveway with a machete, what do you do? Run? Yeah if you can and if you think he won’t catch you. Beg for mercy? This is worse than the wild west, there is no law nor mercy. Fist fight? Fist against machete … good luck with that.

Grab the Bear spray! Grab the Dog repellent! Grab the Wasp Spray!


  • Spray another person with bear spray during normal times and you’d better be prepared to be arrested and sued. However, in a lawless world, use the most effective counter-measure available.

  • Dog repellent is the next choice of weapon for self defense. Halt Dog is designed to keep vicious dogs at bay and will definitely daze and confuse an attacker while you either escape or acquire a better weapon

  • Wasp spray is the last choice as it does not pack the wallop Bear or Dog repellent does, but you have an extremely long range capability which is good. The farther the enemy is away when you attack the better. Wasp spray will burn the eyes, temporarily blinding the foe, so try and be accurate with your aim.

Ultimately weird survival tools comes down to unlimited imagination. Sometimes the key is the ability to see pass what the object is and its intended use and see what it could maybe do. It won’t always work, but the time it does it could save your life.

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